Amaryllis is still under the assumption her adult daughter leaving home for several years after being traumatized by the death of a family member—to which said daughter feels responsible for—is just her daughter throwing a tantrum.
Kind of says everything it needed to say about Amaryllis.
Now a REAL tantrum would be Abeille dumping that glass of wine over her mother’s head, flipping her the double bird, and getting her forcibly dragged off planet, but I’m petty…and I’m pretty sure this argument is about to get way more heated.
Mm, dare to dream – and that red wine would stain Amaryllis’s cardigan so well.
Stay strong Abeille! Don’t give her anything to sink her hooks in! Tell her what you’re doing and tell her off. Then walk out with your head held high.
Honestly, at this point that reaction with pouring the glass over her mother’s head and all would be less a tantrum and more a perfectly justified reaction, if you ask me.
“Trust in me, the one that sabotages and takes away everything you’ve ever enjoyed while simultaneously crushing your spirit. I am your messiah- er, mother!. Come visit so I can trap you there. Come, hell awaits! Hell? Oh, I meant… home? Yes, home. What? No, you heard wrong. You’re so dramatic! But seriously, get your shit. I need my verbal and mental punching bag back. I have long since crushed your Father. It’s no fun when they roll over and take it. Satan thy name is Amaryllis, but you may call me Mom.”
“Mother knows best
Listen to your mother
It’s a scary world out there
Mother knows best
One way or another
Something will go wrong, I swear
Ruffians, thugs
Poison ivy, quicksand
Cannibals and snakes
The plague
Rapunzel:
No!
Mother Gothel:
Yes!”
And so on…. Abielle just needs to say “Goodbye” and leave.
Anyone else thinking that confronting Amaryllis and having a discussion with her is the completely wrong approach? “Don’t negotiate with terrorists”, is what they say in English, right?
I had hoped that Abeille would just inform her mother of whatever she has decided to do, but engaging in this discussion is, in my eyes, just harmful to her. What does she think she will accomplish? It’s not like someone who has been abusive for all of Abeille’s life will suddenly have a great epiphany and change out of nowhere. I understand why Abeille is trying – she wants to be loved and have her mother’s approval; it’s insanely hard to let go of that hope and wishes – but this is honestly painful to read because I can’t see this ending in anything but another catastrophe.
I think the most important part is for Abeille’s mental health.
If Abeille states that she’s going to have some independence, that statement will be in both of their memories. Amaryllis will likely try to play more games. Essentially, I love you mom, but I’m an adult and you have to respect my boundaries, now. There’s no fighting words.
I’m not a fan of the finality aspect that could be added, like “I’ll never speak to you again”, which would beg for Amaryllis to keep fighting.
Yeah I get that. I’ve been in Abeille’s situation before. I’m interested to see what boundary Abeille is going to put down here, and what will happen after this confrontation. My money’s on Amaryllis having a meltdown and Mallow becoming her flying monkey to try and scoop up Abeille again.
I think it’s more about Abeille facing up to her fears and making herself clear than actually hoping her mother will back down. Her mum is stubborn and believes she knows best so it’s unlikely this conversation will actually change anything, but if Abeille tells her exactly what her boundaries are, exactly what her decision is going to be, then she’s more justified in enforcing those boundaries with more drastic measures.
It’s a courtesy, more than anything. A formality and a warning. ‘I’m an adult who can make my own decisions and if you won’t back off then I’m going to have to cease all contact’ sort of deal.
It’s giving Amaryllis a decent chance to do the right thing, if by some monumental oversight she hasn’t realised how much damage she’s doing. It’s a final warning, basically.
I’ve had to do that with people before. ‘These are my terms and if you aren’t prepared to meet them we’re not going to hang out anymore.’
You’re right – one of the things I’ve heard about dealing with narcissists (and others like them) is don’t “JADE” – justify, argue, defend, or explain. They’ll take what you see as reasons and use them as weak points. I do think Abeille feels like she has to attempt an explanation even if it’s pointless.
Sometimes, though, you need to have that one last talk for you. It’s not about changing them, it’s about making it known, to them and to yourself, that you are drawing a line. It’s one thing to think it, but it’s another to hear yourself say it out loud. It gives you the satisfaction that you let them know, and now if they don’t listen (and they won’t), it’s not because you didn’t do everything you could do. And it’s not because you didn’t tell them so that they knew the boundary was there. It gives you the freedom to not blame yourself any longer. And sometimes, that is what makes it worth it. Been there, done that. Kept the emails to prove it to myself.
It’s clear that their relationship has finally reached some sort of breaking/turning point, even if Amaryllis hasn’t realised this yet. Putting a stop to an unhealthy relationship is seldom simple, especially if it’s with one of your parents. It’s so easy to get tangled up in hurt and complex feelings concerning them since most people want to love and be loved and a parent is supposed to be the primary caregiver at a vulnerable point in our lives.
I think that one thing that helps is to try to think of them as the individual people that they really are instead of as “my parent”. As an example, maybe the question shouldn’t be whether Abeille wants her “mother” to be a part of her life right now, but whether or not she wants “Amaryllis” to do so.
1- file a restraining order that she doesn’t know about until she’s served.
2- move and don’t tell her where.
3- aggressively litigate if she violates the RO.
A few reasons to go this route (elaborate to avoid personal details to give people the sads):
1) You get to see the core of why the narcissist is making those choices – because there is a reason they think this course of action gets them their way. It could be you convince them that there are better ways to do so. Some stick, some don’t. It can have success.
2) You formalize to yourself there are no choices left. You gave them a “true” chance of understanding the first time you left, and as they obviously didn’t parse the drastic measures, you can explain it clearly in context this time. From personal experience, if trauma gives you a long history of guilt this can be the healthiest way. I did Abeille’s route in the same order (both types of leaving) and the second time (a la this page) was the one that actually freed me from the emotional burden.
3) By stating what you won’t do (while leaving out what you will) you form an insurmountable wall. This IS her “I will not give into terrorists” speech. Hopefully she won’t give away any future plans because that would expose them to a potential attack. It also serves to establish that the game as over and they have lost.
4) Before she left her father, not just her mother. This time she might be able to salvage that part of her family unit. She is confronting and holding Amaryllis accountable, not her parents together.
5) This isn’t just about Abielle anymore. She could take it (albeit in a super unhealthy way). This is about protecting others she loves and that is one heck of a motivator. Before love of family conflicted with her boundaries, but now love of those who empower her resolves them. She needs to do this for them, even if she couldn’t do it for herself because the Amaryllis decided to use them too.
6) After everything else she has faced, even the very worst will be just a blip on the healing train. She had to give up the Sirens, her home, her sister, herself before. In Montropa she’s already had to give up her job and her pride. She has a strong support structure now, free from her mother’s influence, and has a strong foundation to preserve her self respect:
– Miel and his family (love and a safe harbor)
– Ivy (non-judgmental best friendship and an understanding ear)
– Poppy (a defender and fellow explorer)
– Clove (an adopted “little” brother in arms)
– Botan (a mentor)
– Daisy (a tether/ cheerleader)
– even the local humanoids seem to be an ear (and model the type of life she desires).
Many of the above had their own family related trauma and understand. If those aren’t enough, there is robust mental health support on Montropa – Aster can sneak her some non-traditional therapy (aka puppies.)
Wow, thank you for this really interesting and inspiring comment! This really made me see beyond the idea that “talking to them won’t do any good”. Maybe what you wrote here will help me to better support my partner in dealing with his abusive family.
I’m glad it helped beyond the page! The hardest part in leaving (personally) was the collateral damage. Abusers can be good at hiding and when you have to choose between one bad (no matter how big) in your life that keeps all this large amount of good together and freedom that means cutting all these other amazing things gray kept you going this far the choice gets 10x harder.
Adding onto #4: There’s a very real chance that her relationship with her father may not be salvageable either, since he could be a good tool to abuse Abeille by proxy. For folks not familiar with narcissistic abuse – they are often called flying monkeys.
Yup. But sometimes you have to try. It’s all related to the idea of relying on restraining orders too – often they act as modifiers for other charges or are minimized when people are conned into “letting” their abusers worm their way back. Very rarely are they enforced unless there is an active assault or stocking. Heck, some can be dangerous as they require parties to notify the other if they will be at a mutual stomping ground to prevent interaction.
That said, I know people who were perfectly fine just up and leaving and I honestly wish I had been more like them. Have totally moved, name changed an all contact changed save phone number though. Never was one for social media. Pretty effective disappearing in today’s world if someone doesn’t want to jump through the hoops of getting a background check.
To me it seems as if Amaryllis can’t bare to loose the second daughter, and only child left. But Abielle is stronger now – she will leave. Who knows, maybe Amaryllis will come around some day and realise what she has done to her daughter – and to herself. – Hopefully – and maybe never.
“Really Amaryllis, you’ve lost a tooth! A tooth!,” she says mockingly. I worry if did that between her other outbursts she’d be flagged for planet shock.
Honestly I should have known she’d be one of the biggest antagonists in this story the moment I saw her name. Gina, is she named after amaryllis belladonna specifically?
Gina is the authority, of course. Speculation on a wiki is currently that she’s probably named after Hippeastrum since that gets sold as Amaryllis in nurseries in the US. https://lovenotfound-fans.fandom.com/wiki/Flora#Amaryllis Amaryllis belladona “Naked ladies” kind of makes sense though.
Oooh, interesting take! I always thought it was because the flower narcissus is from the Amaryllidoideae subfamily, and we’ll, momma displays pretty narcissistic tendencies.
I feel like some people on here are underestimating how a parent can be a totally different person to their child vs their spouse. I mean maybe she’s not, but we haven’t really seen much of her interactions with Mallow. It’s possible for her to treat him as a peer and still be a horrible, manipulative jerk to her children. Some people never really internalize that their kids are their own people, not just their property.
It’s often two sides of the same coin. The partner is given one side which allows them to be their perfect self, which intern gives them an enabler a la “they truly good deep down, I’ve seen her REAL side” or “its YOUR fault I’m acting this way, I’d never act like this if it weren’t for you.”
This is not always the case, but enough people (including myself) have had this experience with narcissist parents and we see a very strong parallel in her mannerisms.
I can’t help but remember “Sirens vs Harpies” or something like that? If it’s ringette, maybe Abeille should join..? Her experience would be useful, she’d apply herself and make something for herself. That is what her mother wanted,yes?
No remorse! Her mom has none! None! She seems happy-go-lucky after her daughter points out she got fired as a consequence of her. She doesn’t even care. What serious messed up narcissist. I hate her mom. Can’t a piano fall on her? 😉
I glossed over that Abeille is saying she won’t come back ever. We’ll find out what happens.
The page reads to me like Abeille is not out of control, while Amaryllis is gloating. And there’s no Mallow, which maybe means Amaryllis doesn’t have to present a case, to him.
“Enough is enough. It’s time to end this childish tantrum” is right on the dime, though probably not quite in the intended meaning. The rest boils down to the advice when dealing with scam artists: Stop. Interacting. Nothing good can come of it. You are just feeding them on their terms.
Amaryllis is still under the assumption her adult daughter leaving home for several years after being traumatized by the death of a family member—to which said daughter feels responsible for—is just her daughter throwing a tantrum.
Kind of says everything it needed to say about Amaryllis.
Now a REAL tantrum would be Abeille dumping that glass of wine over her mother’s head, flipping her the double bird, and getting her forcibly dragged off planet, but I’m petty…and I’m pretty sure this argument is about to get way more heated.
Mm, dare to dream – and that red wine would stain Amaryllis’s cardigan so well.
Stay strong Abeille! Don’t give her anything to sink her hooks in! Tell her what you’re doing and tell her off. Then walk out with your head held high.
Honestly, at this point that reaction with pouring the glass over her mother’s head and all would be less a tantrum and more a perfectly justified reaction, if you ask me.
Way to go, Abeille! Call her on her BS!
“Trust in me, the one that sabotages and takes away everything you’ve ever enjoyed while simultaneously crushing your spirit. I am your messiah- er, mother!. Come visit so I can trap you there. Come, hell awaits! Hell? Oh, I meant… home? Yes, home. What? No, you heard wrong. You’re so dramatic! But seriously, get your shit. I need my verbal and mental punching bag back. I have long since crushed your Father. It’s no fun when they roll over and take it. Satan thy name is Amaryllis, but you may call me Mom.”
Go Abeille, tell her what for!
Amaryllis is disarmed, and pompous. Abeille gets to explain. Maybe it’s a good thing that Mallow isn’t around. Go, Abeille!
I’m having flashbacks to:
“Mother knows best
Listen to your mother
It’s a scary world out there
Mother knows best
One way or another
Something will go wrong, I swear
Ruffians, thugs
Poison ivy, quicksand
Cannibals and snakes
The plague
Rapunzel:
No!
Mother Gothel:
Yes!”
And so on…. Abielle just needs to say “Goodbye” and leave.
Plus I believe, getting kinda chubby…
I’m just saying, cuz I love ya!
The tone is very different, without Mallow there.
Anyone else thinking that confronting Amaryllis and having a discussion with her is the completely wrong approach? “Don’t negotiate with terrorists”, is what they say in English, right?
I had hoped that Abeille would just inform her mother of whatever she has decided to do, but engaging in this discussion is, in my eyes, just harmful to her. What does she think she will accomplish? It’s not like someone who has been abusive for all of Abeille’s life will suddenly have a great epiphany and change out of nowhere. I understand why Abeille is trying – she wants to be loved and have her mother’s approval; it’s insanely hard to let go of that hope and wishes – but this is honestly painful to read because I can’t see this ending in anything but another catastrophe.
I think the most important part is for Abeille’s mental health.
If Abeille states that she’s going to have some independence, that statement will be in both of their memories. Amaryllis will likely try to play more games. Essentially, I love you mom, but I’m an adult and you have to respect my boundaries, now. There’s no fighting words.
I’m not a fan of the finality aspect that could be added, like “I’ll never speak to you again”, which would beg for Amaryllis to keep fighting.
Yeah I get that. I’ve been in Abeille’s situation before. I’m interested to see what boundary Abeille is going to put down here, and what will happen after this confrontation. My money’s on Amaryllis having a meltdown and Mallow becoming her flying monkey to try and scoop up Abeille again.
I think it’s more about Abeille facing up to her fears and making herself clear than actually hoping her mother will back down. Her mum is stubborn and believes she knows best so it’s unlikely this conversation will actually change anything, but if Abeille tells her exactly what her boundaries are, exactly what her decision is going to be, then she’s more justified in enforcing those boundaries with more drastic measures.
It’s a courtesy, more than anything. A formality and a warning. ‘I’m an adult who can make my own decisions and if you won’t back off then I’m going to have to cease all contact’ sort of deal.
It’s giving Amaryllis a decent chance to do the right thing, if by some monumental oversight she hasn’t realised how much damage she’s doing. It’s a final warning, basically.
I’ve had to do that with people before. ‘These are my terms and if you aren’t prepared to meet them we’re not going to hang out anymore.’
You’re right – one of the things I’ve heard about dealing with narcissists (and others like them) is don’t “JADE” – justify, argue, defend, or explain. They’ll take what you see as reasons and use them as weak points. I do think Abeille feels like she has to attempt an explanation even if it’s pointless.
Sometimes, though, you need to have that one last talk for you. It’s not about changing them, it’s about making it known, to them and to yourself, that you are drawing a line. It’s one thing to think it, but it’s another to hear yourself say it out loud. It gives you the satisfaction that you let them know, and now if they don’t listen (and they won’t), it’s not because you didn’t do everything you could do. And it’s not because you didn’t tell them so that they knew the boundary was there. It gives you the freedom to not blame yourself any longer. And sometimes, that is what makes it worth it. Been there, done that. Kept the emails to prove it to myself.
mmmm.. yeah, never negotiate with a terrorist, or a narcissist..or any other ass that ends in ist.
um… I actually would negotiate with a florist. or a pianist, violinist, etc 🙂
If this pitiful excuse for a mother could get hit by a runaway ice cream truck in the next few panels, that would be great.
It’s clear that their relationship has finally reached some sort of breaking/turning point, even if Amaryllis hasn’t realised this yet. Putting a stop to an unhealthy relationship is seldom simple, especially if it’s with one of your parents. It’s so easy to get tangled up in hurt and complex feelings concerning them since most people want to love and be loved and a parent is supposed to be the primary caregiver at a vulnerable point in our lives.
I think that one thing that helps is to try to think of them as the individual people that they really are instead of as “my parent”. As an example, maybe the question shouldn’t be whether Abeille wants her “mother” to be a part of her life right now, but whether or not she wants “Amaryllis” to do so.
mama is 100% gaslighting
I’m looking forward to seeing Amaryllis try and weasel her way out of this…and even more to watching her fail.
1- file a restraining order that she doesn’t know about until she’s served.
2- move and don’t tell her where.
3- aggressively litigate if she violates the RO.
Lol wow Amaryllis doesn’t have a clue
A few reasons to go this route (elaborate to avoid personal details to give people the sads):
1) You get to see the core of why the narcissist is making those choices – because there is a reason they think this course of action gets them their way. It could be you convince them that there are better ways to do so. Some stick, some don’t. It can have success.
2) You formalize to yourself there are no choices left. You gave them a “true” chance of understanding the first time you left, and as they obviously didn’t parse the drastic measures, you can explain it clearly in context this time. From personal experience, if trauma gives you a long history of guilt this can be the healthiest way. I did Abeille’s route in the same order (both types of leaving) and the second time (a la this page) was the one that actually freed me from the emotional burden.
3) By stating what you won’t do (while leaving out what you will) you form an insurmountable wall. This IS her “I will not give into terrorists” speech. Hopefully she won’t give away any future plans because that would expose them to a potential attack. It also serves to establish that the game as over and they have lost.
4) Before she left her father, not just her mother. This time she might be able to salvage that part of her family unit. She is confronting and holding Amaryllis accountable, not her parents together.
5) This isn’t just about Abielle anymore. She could take it (albeit in a super unhealthy way). This is about protecting others she loves and that is one heck of a motivator. Before love of family conflicted with her boundaries, but now love of those who empower her resolves them. She needs to do this for them, even if she couldn’t do it for herself because the Amaryllis decided to use them too.
6) After everything else she has faced, even the very worst will be just a blip on the healing train. She had to give up the Sirens, her home, her sister, herself before. In Montropa she’s already had to give up her job and her pride. She has a strong support structure now, free from her mother’s influence, and has a strong foundation to preserve her self respect:
– Miel and his family (love and a safe harbor)
– Ivy (non-judgmental best friendship and an understanding ear)
– Poppy (a defender and fellow explorer)
– Clove (an adopted “little” brother in arms)
– Botan (a mentor)
– Daisy (a tether/ cheerleader)
– even the local humanoids seem to be an ear (and model the type of life she desires).
Many of the above had their own family related trauma and understand. If those aren’t enough, there is robust mental health support on Montropa – Aster can sneak her some non-traditional therapy (aka puppies.)
Wow, thank you for this really interesting and inspiring comment! This really made me see beyond the idea that “talking to them won’t do any good”. Maybe what you wrote here will help me to better support my partner in dealing with his abusive family.
I’m glad it helped beyond the page! The hardest part in leaving (personally) was the collateral damage. Abusers can be good at hiding and when you have to choose between one bad (no matter how big) in your life that keeps all this large amount of good together and freedom that means cutting all these other amazing things gray kept you going this far the choice gets 10x harder.
Very helpful comment. I just got the puppy reference https://lovenotfound.com/comic/ch16-p05
Adding onto #4: There’s a very real chance that her relationship with her father may not be salvageable either, since he could be a good tool to abuse Abeille by proxy. For folks not familiar with narcissistic abuse – they are often called flying monkeys.
Yup. But sometimes you have to try. It’s all related to the idea of relying on restraining orders too – often they act as modifiers for other charges or are minimized when people are conned into “letting” their abusers worm their way back. Very rarely are they enforced unless there is an active assault or stocking. Heck, some can be dangerous as they require parties to notify the other if they will be at a mutual stomping ground to prevent interaction.
That said, I know people who were perfectly fine just up and leaving and I honestly wish I had been more like them. Have totally moved, name changed an all contact changed save phone number though. Never was one for social media. Pretty effective disappearing in today’s world if someone doesn’t want to jump through the hoops of getting a background check.
To me it seems as if Amaryllis can’t bare to loose the second daughter, and only child left. But Abielle is stronger now – she will leave. Who knows, maybe Amaryllis will come around some day and realise what she has done to her daughter – and to herself. – Hopefully – and maybe never.
Am I the only one that’s low key hoping to see Abielle give her mom a solid right hook somewhere in the next couple of pages? Just saying.
“Really Amaryllis, you’ve lost a tooth! A tooth!,” she says mockingly. I worry if did that between her other outbursts she’d be flagged for planet shock.
I really want the dad to interject and come to Abeille’s defense. Allowing behavior like what the mom is doing to continue is being complacent.
Honestly I should have known she’d be one of the biggest antagonists in this story the moment I saw her name. Gina, is she named after amaryllis belladonna specifically?
Gina is the authority, of course. Speculation on a wiki is currently that she’s probably named after Hippeastrum since that gets sold as Amaryllis in nurseries in the US. https://lovenotfound-fans.fandom.com/wiki/Flora#Amaryllis Amaryllis belladona “Naked ladies” kind of makes sense though.
Oooh, interesting take! I always thought it was because the flower narcissus is from the Amaryllidoideae subfamily, and we’ll, momma displays pretty narcissistic tendencies.
I feel like some people on here are underestimating how a parent can be a totally different person to their child vs their spouse. I mean maybe she’s not, but we haven’t really seen much of her interactions with Mallow. It’s possible for her to treat him as a peer and still be a horrible, manipulative jerk to her children. Some people never really internalize that their kids are their own people, not just their property.
I thought their interaction during the tent event was interesting: https://lovenotfound.com/comic/ch18-p45/
Mallow looks like he adores her and she has a sort of pleading face, that is maybe seeking validation. She’s not exactly commanding him.
It’s often two sides of the same coin. The partner is given one side which allows them to be their perfect self, which intern gives them an enabler a la “they truly good deep down, I’ve seen her REAL side” or “its YOUR fault I’m acting this way, I’d never act like this if it weren’t for you.”
This is not always the case, but enough people (including myself) have had this experience with narcissist parents and we see a very strong parallel in her mannerisms.
I can’t help but remember “Sirens vs Harpies” or something like that? If it’s ringette, maybe Abeille should join..? Her experience would be useful, she’d apply herself and make something for herself. That is what her mother wanted,yes?
I hope things turn out well for Abeille and Miel.
No remorse! Her mom has none! None! She seems happy-go-lucky after her daughter points out she got fired as a consequence of her. She doesn’t even care. What serious messed up narcissist. I hate her mom. Can’t a piano fall on her? 😉
I glossed over that Abeille is saying she won’t come back ever. We’ll find out what happens.
The page reads to me like Abeille is not out of control, while Amaryllis is gloating. And there’s no Mallow, which maybe means Amaryllis doesn’t have to present a case, to him.
“Enough is enough. It’s time to end this childish tantrum” is right on the dime, though probably not quite in the intended meaning. The rest boils down to the advice when dealing with scam artists: Stop. Interacting. Nothing good can come of it. You are just feeding them on their terms.