Pfft what do you bet mom was all on board with him bringing the skates because she thought it would make Abbielle miss “home” and move back? Meanwhile her and Mallow are finally going to have open conversation without her darn mom there. 🙂 Yes please! I’ve been waiting for this.
I think I misinterpreted what’s going on. Because of the way they are facing, I thought they were entering another room. But, the background is flipped in the last panel. So, I guess it is Mallow and Abeille exiting the front door and going to check out the rink, together. I’m feeling happier again.
My mother is a narcissist. To the point that this recent arch has been hitting a bit close to home. I ended up moving my mother back to me (vs moving back to mother like this situation) but was able to do so confidently because I had finally grown to understand how to stop her from controlling my life. She still tries, oh my does she try, but I know how to handle it.
My point here though is that to get to the place where I could stand against my mother without feeling like it would be her way or ruin took the assistance of my father. He was and certain is an enabler. But he could see mine and my sister’s pain too from my mother’s words and helped us understand that she thinks she’s helping in a messed up and f***ed up way that could ONLY make sense to a person who believes they truly are the center of the universe.
I hope that in the conclusion of this arch we see Mallow help Abielle figure out how to reinforce her spine to make it steel, how to grey rock her mother, and how she can grow and still love her mother without giving in to her and without allowing her a way in to cause such chaotic damage. She won’t be able to do it without Miel’s support- but her father can be a bridge that aids her in strengthening her resolve and presenting in a way her mother cannot sabotage. I’m really excited to see how this goes.
This.^ OMG this. I really feel like this is going to turn out well and I am hopeful it will. This arch has made me check daily for updates cause I am on the edge of my seat. 🙂
That is inspiring. I don’t think there are narcissists in my family. After my parents died, we sort of shared who are the parents among us. One gave me so much grief and megalomania is what I think could describe them. So, I went through kicking them out of my life, and living in anger about it for years. Then gave up anger and decided I can stand on my own and assert boundaries without having to hate them. So, I relate to that part of what you are saying.
As someone who recently realised this fit his mother so well, this has been a tough stretch to read. We’re currently no contact, it’s what my mother does with anyone who doesn’t relent to her wishes. She was upset over some political chat and gave us a couple month’s silent treatment, and was then holding our daughter’s first xmas presents hostage for after we “made up”, aka apologised.
It puts a lot into perspective, and took far too long to really understand. It was very much a… well that’s just how she is, when you grew up with it. Where we go from here, I have no idea. We do live on the other side of the planet, so can feel the anxiety from the comic with even the idea of them just deciding to come.
Not happy to see others who have dealt with similar, but it does help to read where people have gotten to a better place. Thank you for sharing.
It’s a bit of a journey and requires you to change your way of thinking. It’s all about having boundaries and being firm with them. Grey-rocking is one method, going low-contact/no-contact (at least in the beginning) is another way to start the process. I highly recommend the book “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner to help you find the tools for this. It really helped me learn how to stand up to my own N-mom. The most important thing I learned from the book is that when you start the process, the other person will escalate for a while in an effort to force the dynamic back to what it was before, but if you want the dynamic to change, you have to stand firm and keep those boundaries intact (this is where going low-contact can help). At any rate, please do check out the book. She knows what she’s talking about.
I found the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, by Cloud and Townsend, to be life-changing. There is a chapter for each kind of relationship, with subsequent books focusing solely on one relationship type. This book taught me how to set boundaries, as I grew up in a home in which boundaries didn’t exist. Not narcissism, but passive aggressive, conflict-avoidant from BOTH parents.
I agree with Felis Dee: it can get harder before it gets better, but it is SO worth it to know that you can develop the tools to live a mentally-healthy life.
The easiest way to break it down is JADE Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. These are the things NEVER to do when dealing with a narcissist. A genuine narcissist will have a way to twist, manipulate, or flat out ignore your logical response. Grey rocking is when you don’t give them enough to grab onto and they lose their grip on directing the conversation.
For example, my mother hates that I have a day scheduled every week for both sets of my in-laws to see my daughter but I don’t for her. My logic is unlike either of my in-laws, my mother DOESN’T work and she literally lives next door and could show up whenever she wants. She just doesn’t.
If I were to JADE, I would tell her the above statement, “mom they have limited time available since they work still. We schedule so they can see her at all.” But all that would do is open it up to a slew of wailing or arguing. A grey rock response that I use every time this comes up is “mom, you can see her whenever you want. Why don’t you just come over sometime during the day since we are almost always home?” DO NOT give her the opportunity to discuss the in-laws further, instead I put it back on her shoulders and refuse to discuss what she’s really trying to do, which is suggest I give my in-laws more respect then I give her.
Which is true, because unlike my in-laws, my mother is a raging alcoholic who doesn’t know how to cook a nutritious meal and is completely unable to get dinner out before 9:30 at night. My smdaughter is 2 and usually eats at 6. But she can find an excuse and hmm haw her way out of any situation IF I GOVE HER THE ROOM TI DO THAT. It takes practice, but it can establish boundaries that you desperately deserve for yourself.
He looks entirely unpleased with what is about to occur, but hopefully he has plenty of experience to dodge whatever unpleasantness is about to be thrust upon him (and Abielle)
I absolutely cannot overstate how much I love that Mallow came in and utterly derailed the tension in the room while showing Abielle support in a way she would understand. I seriously hope he shows the steel in his own spine on behalf of their daughter. Because he might be fine with Amaryllis “managing” their lives but that’s not what Abielle wants and I can sort of see him going “Ok my love. Enough is enough. It’s time to let go,” gently but firmly. But that might be me seeing a bit of my dad in Mallow, a quiet, caring man who tends to “go with the flow” but also will stand his ground when it really matters. But then again, my dad would have talked my mom into waiting until she was calm before doing anything “extreme” and then talked her out of what Amaryllis did so…. ya know. Wishful thinking.
I am suspicious. Abielle has just been blindsided with an act of kindness from her father. It should have been ‘Bye mum, you’re no longer welcome in my life”… and now her attempt to resolve this has just been badly interrupted. Is Abielle bought off this easily? Is Mallow sympathetic to his daughter and going to help her get distance from her mum, or is this going to lead to Mallow trying to whittle down and erode Abielle’s very clear position. I really hope that Mallow can see what is happening here, spends some quality time connecting with his daughter, and then takes Amaryllis and leaves.
Thank you! I was beginning to think I’m nuts for having similar doubts. The enabler parents are so often unwilling to rock the boat, so instead they try to return the situation to the status quo: “your mother means well”, “you know how she is”, etc. We’ll see in a couple of days, and I do hope Mallow proves me wrong, but I’m not holding my breath.
The cackle in the next to last frame and the “psst”, at least, seem like something we don’t hope for could be going on. But, except for Mallow apologizing about taking too long, he’s not behaving typically.
I haven’t seen Abeille’s independence being threatened, so far. When Amaryllis responded to Abeille’s complaint with a sno-glo lamp https://lovenotfound.com/comic/ch16-p48/ Abeille wasn’t defeated. A fruitless argument ended.
Arguments don’t get won. An upset get’s less noisy. Abeille remains rock solid afterwards and the parents don’t affect her significantly. Abeille moved away, asserting her independence. Appeasing Abeille, is happening again, but maybe Mallow is going to be helpful. Abeille is not losing anything just by accepting the gift. She hasn’t been “bought”, so far.
IMO one of two things may be happening here, as someone raised by a narc… I relate to this wayyy too much. I don’t think Mallow is a schemer like Amaryllis is, definitely not. I truly think his intentions here are good, however that can still cause problems…
Scenario 1: I would love if the comment above is true and Mallow will teach Abeille the beauty of grey rock, because he clearly deals with Amaryllis, loves her and stays with her. He’s gotta have some coping mechanisms and good boundaries right?
Scenario 2: Mallow is still in the codependent clutches of Amaryllis as well; he does his best to support his daughter, but I do worry this is “triangulation”, whereas a well meaning person with mutual connection to both, appeals to the person resisting the narc, hoping to get them to ‘compromise’ and do what the narc wants. Mallow probably would not even realize he is doing this, because in his mind he is trying to keep the peace (since guess who will be on the receiving end of Amaryllis’ ire if Abeille doesn’t do what she wants?)
So I am worried she will use this as an opportunity to make Abeille miss home. Hopefully Abeille will realize that she can HAVE skating in her new home, and remember that it was the thing her mother tried to keep from her when she WAS at “home”.
On one hand, that’s a kind gesture from her dad… but on the other, her mom previously used a kind gesture (the snow lamp thing) to defuse Abielle’s attempts to stand up to her. So I’m currently a bit skeptical about how this is likely to go.
And wow, her mother turns on a dime. (I’m not surprised after the ridiculous tantrum behavior she’s put on previously, but that was a super fast turn around.)
It is interesting when I read all these comments – so many are similar to my own experiences. And yes, I agree, her mom is a narcissist. And I really dont like her. LOL.
Because like many here I had to break away from a narcissist mother too. In some ways many moms can’t help it…when a baby is born, the baby does think the mom is the entire world, and many moms never leave that need/desire to be the center of their kid’s world – in some cases the mother has no other life and that has been their only validation for years and they just don’t know how to let it go – they don’t know when to let their kid go be their own adult because then the mother fears having nothing left after.
But, like some comments here I was able to learn to have backbone and say ‘no’ and and stand up to my mom and demand she recognize my right to live my life as I needed to, and eventually, she came around and accepted me. So there IS hope for narcissistic mothers, but ONLY if the child learns to stand up for themselves in a healthy way. Abeille should probably seek some therapy to work through all that and decide who she does want to be and how she does want to live – because I sense she doesn’t really know herself, thus the mother gains a foothold.
I learned to stand up to my mom so that I could have her in my life still, but under my terms in regards to my life choices. Abeille needs to as well.
As much as we are criticizing the mother (and yes she has it coming) for being blind and controlling – we have to see that Abeille is part of the problem – she has only run away from the issue but never stood up and stood her ground. Everyone has to learn to do that at some point in their life, because her mother won’t be the only narcissist she runs into in life (there are toxic jerks everywhere). Standing up to the many narcissists in the world is a seriously important life skill. Her dad and sister and Meil and others can’t keep stepping in to save her – she has to save herself.
My impression is still that Abeille has handled things very well, given the circumstances. I have trouble separating the story from my own life and reading how people relate it to their life helps me personally, at least to challenge how I think my life experiences are applicable to other peoples’ lives. But, I still try to separate the story from my experiences and to distinguish stories from events that happened and are being retold.
Losing her job is terrible, but how was she to have avoided that? Kick her parents out of her life. Sure. I’m not sure that would go easily. She ran away and moved to Monotropa and managed to not enflame her parents for some time. She loves her parents and she loves the people around her. She seems to need to have choices come from herself rather than accepting help. She doesn’t assume she is right about things. She’s a tenacious and unpretentious person. It hurts to see her being down on herself in the early parts of the story, but that comes with being thoughtful and being strong enough to show weakness without fear.
The trivial events like Amaryllis embarrassing her in public, or being insulting in conversations, don’t affect Abeille, really. Being played by Amaryllis hasn’t lost or won anything. The early parts of the story show her being treated disrespectfully at Eyebright and it was like water off a duck’s back.
I don’t think she’s capable of being reactionary about these things. The cafeteria scene was where she broke a little. She deals with a larger picture. It’s a difficult problem and she’s dealing with it with that in mind, as usual.
Pfft what do you bet mom was all on board with him bringing the skates because she thought it would make Abbielle miss “home” and move back? Meanwhile her and Mallow are finally going to have open conversation without her darn mom there. 🙂 Yes please! I’ve been waiting for this.
I think I misinterpreted what’s going on. Because of the way they are facing, I thought they were entering another room. But, the background is flipped in the last panel. So, I guess it is Mallow and Abeille exiting the front door and going to check out the rink, together. I’m feeling happier again.
I’m willing to bet Mom didn’t even know Mallow packed the skates. I can see him being sneaky like that.
My mother is a narcissist. To the point that this recent arch has been hitting a bit close to home. I ended up moving my mother back to me (vs moving back to mother like this situation) but was able to do so confidently because I had finally grown to understand how to stop her from controlling my life. She still tries, oh my does she try, but I know how to handle it.
My point here though is that to get to the place where I could stand against my mother without feeling like it would be her way or ruin took the assistance of my father. He was and certain is an enabler. But he could see mine and my sister’s pain too from my mother’s words and helped us understand that she thinks she’s helping in a messed up and f***ed up way that could ONLY make sense to a person who believes they truly are the center of the universe.
I hope that in the conclusion of this arch we see Mallow help Abielle figure out how to reinforce her spine to make it steel, how to grey rock her mother, and how she can grow and still love her mother without giving in to her and without allowing her a way in to cause such chaotic damage. She won’t be able to do it without Miel’s support- but her father can be a bridge that aids her in strengthening her resolve and presenting in a way her mother cannot sabotage. I’m really excited to see how this goes.
From one child of a narcissist to another: thank you so much for this comment ❤️
Well that was beautiful. I now am beginning to have some hope that this poor kid can stand up to her.
This.^ OMG this. I really feel like this is going to turn out well and I am hopeful it will. This arch has made me check daily for updates cause I am on the edge of my seat. 🙂
That is inspiring. I don’t think there are narcissists in my family. After my parents died, we sort of shared who are the parents among us. One gave me so much grief and megalomania is what I think could describe them. So, I went through kicking them out of my life, and living in anger about it for years. Then gave up anger and decided I can stand on my own and assert boundaries without having to hate them. So, I relate to that part of what you are saying.
As someone who recently realised this fit his mother so well, this has been a tough stretch to read. We’re currently no contact, it’s what my mother does with anyone who doesn’t relent to her wishes. She was upset over some political chat and gave us a couple month’s silent treatment, and was then holding our daughter’s first xmas presents hostage for after we “made up”, aka apologised.
It puts a lot into perspective, and took far too long to really understand. It was very much a… well that’s just how she is, when you grew up with it. Where we go from here, I have no idea. We do live on the other side of the planet, so can feel the anxiety from the comic with even the idea of them just deciding to come.
Not happy to see others who have dealt with similar, but it does help to read where people have gotten to a better place. Thank you for sharing.
”…I had finally grown to understand how to stop her from controlling my life…”
HOW?!? please tell me!!
struggling with that…
It’s a bit of a journey and requires you to change your way of thinking. It’s all about having boundaries and being firm with them. Grey-rocking is one method, going low-contact/no-contact (at least in the beginning) is another way to start the process. I highly recommend the book “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner to help you find the tools for this. It really helped me learn how to stand up to my own N-mom. The most important thing I learned from the book is that when you start the process, the other person will escalate for a while in an effort to force the dynamic back to what it was before, but if you want the dynamic to change, you have to stand firm and keep those boundaries intact (this is where going low-contact can help). At any rate, please do check out the book. She knows what she’s talking about.
I found the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, by Cloud and Townsend, to be life-changing. There is a chapter for each kind of relationship, with subsequent books focusing solely on one relationship type. This book taught me how to set boundaries, as I grew up in a home in which boundaries didn’t exist. Not narcissism, but passive aggressive, conflict-avoidant from BOTH parents.
I agree with Felis Dee: it can get harder before it gets better, but it is SO worth it to know that you can develop the tools to live a mentally-healthy life.
The easiest way to break it down is JADE Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. These are the things NEVER to do when dealing with a narcissist. A genuine narcissist will have a way to twist, manipulate, or flat out ignore your logical response. Grey rocking is when you don’t give them enough to grab onto and they lose their grip on directing the conversation.
For example, my mother hates that I have a day scheduled every week for both sets of my in-laws to see my daughter but I don’t for her. My logic is unlike either of my in-laws, my mother DOESN’T work and she literally lives next door and could show up whenever she wants. She just doesn’t.
If I were to JADE, I would tell her the above statement, “mom they have limited time available since they work still. We schedule so they can see her at all.” But all that would do is open it up to a slew of wailing or arguing. A grey rock response that I use every time this comes up is “mom, you can see her whenever you want. Why don’t you just come over sometime during the day since we are almost always home?” DO NOT give her the opportunity to discuss the in-laws further, instead I put it back on her shoulders and refuse to discuss what she’s really trying to do, which is suggest I give my in-laws more respect then I give her.
Which is true, because unlike my in-laws, my mother is a raging alcoholic who doesn’t know how to cook a nutritious meal and is completely unable to get dinner out before 9:30 at night. My smdaughter is 2 and usually eats at 6. But she can find an excuse and hmm haw her way out of any situation IF I GOVE HER THE ROOM TI DO THAT. It takes practice, but it can establish boundaries that you desperately deserve for yourself.
I dunno Amaryllis, I think it’s already sorted.
Cliff hanger. It’s hard for me to imagine Mallow scheming. I guess we’ll find out.
Even odds Abeille’s stuff will be shipped “home” before she returns.
He looks entirely unpleased with what is about to occur, but hopefully he has plenty of experience to dodge whatever unpleasantness is about to be thrust upon him (and Abielle)
I just binge read the whole series today. It’s so addicting.
I absolutely cannot overstate how much I love that Mallow came in and utterly derailed the tension in the room while showing Abielle support in a way she would understand. I seriously hope he shows the steel in his own spine on behalf of their daughter. Because he might be fine with Amaryllis “managing” their lives but that’s not what Abielle wants and I can sort of see him going “Ok my love. Enough is enough. It’s time to let go,” gently but firmly. But that might be me seeing a bit of my dad in Mallow, a quiet, caring man who tends to “go with the flow” but also will stand his ground when it really matters. But then again, my dad would have talked my mom into waiting until she was calm before doing anything “extreme” and then talked her out of what Amaryllis did so…. ya know. Wishful thinking.
I am suspicious. Abielle has just been blindsided with an act of kindness from her father. It should have been ‘Bye mum, you’re no longer welcome in my life”… and now her attempt to resolve this has just been badly interrupted. Is Abielle bought off this easily? Is Mallow sympathetic to his daughter and going to help her get distance from her mum, or is this going to lead to Mallow trying to whittle down and erode Abielle’s very clear position. I really hope that Mallow can see what is happening here, spends some quality time connecting with his daughter, and then takes Amaryllis and leaves.
Thank you! I was beginning to think I’m nuts for having similar doubts. The enabler parents are so often unwilling to rock the boat, so instead they try to return the situation to the status quo: “your mother means well”, “you know how she is”, etc. We’ll see in a couple of days, and I do hope Mallow proves me wrong, but I’m not holding my breath.
The cackle in the next to last frame and the “psst”, at least, seem like something we don’t hope for could be going on. But, except for Mallow apologizing about taking too long, he’s not behaving typically.
I haven’t seen Abeille’s independence being threatened, so far. When Amaryllis responded to Abeille’s complaint with a sno-glo lamp https://lovenotfound.com/comic/ch16-p48/ Abeille wasn’t defeated. A fruitless argument ended.
Arguments don’t get won. An upset get’s less noisy. Abeille remains rock solid afterwards and the parents don’t affect her significantly. Abeille moved away, asserting her independence. Appeasing Abeille, is happening again, but maybe Mallow is going to be helpful. Abeille is not losing anything just by accepting the gift. She hasn’t been “bought”, so far.
I’d offer that man a high-five if his society wasn’t so touch-phobic.
…Demolition Man high-five, perhaps?
You need to do something with your daughter!
Okay, we’ll go skating together
I am kinda glad I just checked this comic in time to not have to be in the middle of a conversation with Amaryllis.
IMO one of two things may be happening here, as someone raised by a narc… I relate to this wayyy too much. I don’t think Mallow is a schemer like Amaryllis is, definitely not. I truly think his intentions here are good, however that can still cause problems…
Scenario 1: I would love if the comment above is true and Mallow will teach Abeille the beauty of grey rock, because he clearly deals with Amaryllis, loves her and stays with her. He’s gotta have some coping mechanisms and good boundaries right?
Scenario 2: Mallow is still in the codependent clutches of Amaryllis as well; he does his best to support his daughter, but I do worry this is “triangulation”, whereas a well meaning person with mutual connection to both, appeals to the person resisting the narc, hoping to get them to ‘compromise’ and do what the narc wants. Mallow probably would not even realize he is doing this, because in his mind he is trying to keep the peace (since guess who will be on the receiving end of Amaryllis’ ire if Abeille doesn’t do what she wants?)
So I am worried she will use this as an opportunity to make Abeille miss home. Hopefully Abeille will realize that she can HAVE skating in her new home, and remember that it was the thing her mother tried to keep from her when she WAS at “home”.
So glad he didn’t just leave Abeille to deal with this and actually is taking her away from the situation.
On one hand, that’s a kind gesture from her dad… but on the other, her mom previously used a kind gesture (the snow lamp thing) to defuse Abielle’s attempts to stand up to her. So I’m currently a bit skeptical about how this is likely to go.
And wow, her mother turns on a dime. (I’m not surprised after the ridiculous tantrum behavior she’s put on previously, but that was a super fast turn around.)
It is interesting when I read all these comments – so many are similar to my own experiences. And yes, I agree, her mom is a narcissist. And I really dont like her. LOL.
Because like many here I had to break away from a narcissist mother too. In some ways many moms can’t help it…when a baby is born, the baby does think the mom is the entire world, and many moms never leave that need/desire to be the center of their kid’s world – in some cases the mother has no other life and that has been their only validation for years and they just don’t know how to let it go – they don’t know when to let their kid go be their own adult because then the mother fears having nothing left after.
But, like some comments here I was able to learn to have backbone and say ‘no’ and and stand up to my mom and demand she recognize my right to live my life as I needed to, and eventually, she came around and accepted me. So there IS hope for narcissistic mothers, but ONLY if the child learns to stand up for themselves in a healthy way. Abeille should probably seek some therapy to work through all that and decide who she does want to be and how she does want to live – because I sense she doesn’t really know herself, thus the mother gains a foothold.
I learned to stand up to my mom so that I could have her in my life still, but under my terms in regards to my life choices. Abeille needs to as well.
As much as we are criticizing the mother (and yes she has it coming) for being blind and controlling – we have to see that Abeille is part of the problem – she has only run away from the issue but never stood up and stood her ground. Everyone has to learn to do that at some point in their life, because her mother won’t be the only narcissist she runs into in life (there are toxic jerks everywhere). Standing up to the many narcissists in the world is a seriously important life skill. Her dad and sister and Meil and others can’t keep stepping in to save her – she has to save herself.
My impression is still that Abeille has handled things very well, given the circumstances. I have trouble separating the story from my own life and reading how people relate it to their life helps me personally, at least to challenge how I think my life experiences are applicable to other peoples’ lives. But, I still try to separate the story from my experiences and to distinguish stories from events that happened and are being retold.
Losing her job is terrible, but how was she to have avoided that? Kick her parents out of her life. Sure. I’m not sure that would go easily. She ran away and moved to Monotropa and managed to not enflame her parents for some time. She loves her parents and she loves the people around her. She seems to need to have choices come from herself rather than accepting help. She doesn’t assume she is right about things. She’s a tenacious and unpretentious person. It hurts to see her being down on herself in the early parts of the story, but that comes with being thoughtful and being strong enough to show weakness without fear.
The trivial events like Amaryllis embarrassing her in public, or being insulting in conversations, don’t affect Abeille, really. Being played by Amaryllis hasn’t lost or won anything. The early parts of the story show her being treated disrespectfully at Eyebright and it was like water off a duck’s back.
I don’t think she’s capable of being reactionary about these things. The cafeteria scene was where she broke a little. She deals with a larger picture. It’s a difficult problem and she’s dealing with it with that in mind, as usual.
Very true. I wish people would just let others be – why can’t more have a live-and-let-live mentality? LOL